


Figjam

by hornspointedup



Category: Mortal Kombat (Video Games), Mortal Kombat - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Awkward Kissing, Bugs & Insects, Christmas, Christmas Cake, Christmas Crack, Crack, Drinking, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Food, Gift Fic, Kissing, Mistletoe, Sorta out of character, eating an entire cake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21653206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hornspointedup/pseuds/hornspointedup
Summary: It's Christmastime at the Black Dragon HQ/Bar/fight club/terrible apartment complex they all share!D'vorah enjoys the spirit of Christmas. Or at least enjoys eating a whole Pavlova (to everyones' dismay - well, almost everyone).Please enjoy this messy attempt at some Christmas Crack.
Relationships: D'vorah/Kano
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Figjam

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hivebar](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Hivebar), [Sam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sam/gifts).



> _It's my way or the highway this Christmas at my bar!  
>  I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!  
> I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.  
> I think that that right jolly old elf had better make out his will!_  
>    
> \- (Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas by Crow T. Robot, as told to Michael J. Nelson
> 
> **This one's for Hivebar and Sam, two amazing artists and fellow fans I've joined on the voyage of this ship. Thank you both for your inspiration and support!**

Kira nudges Kabal's arm out of D'vorah's line of sight. "You know, there _is_ one thing the boss enjoys but has a hard time getting in the summer."

"And what is this elusive item?"

"Figjam." Kira is utterly straight-faced, but Kabal turns and steps away coughing to cover for the want to laugh his ass off. This is almost cruel, to which party more he's unsure.

"What is this 'fig-jam'?"

"You know, jam. Like honey? But it's fruit that gets boiled and mashed up. Well, that's the jam part, the fig part is a fruit."

"Yeah, a fruit bugs lay their eggs in!" Kabal buries his grin in a deep swing of his glass.

D'vorah's face lights up with recognition. "Ah! Outworld has such fruit! The Kytinn used them for infiltration. And you say Earthrealm also has such fruit?"

While her fellow gang member coughs and sputters for real in a spectacular spit-take, Kira doesn't miss a beat. "Yep! But it's tough to get a hold of, even on the black market, and _especially_ around Christmas. Most people won't eat something that had bugs in it anyway - no offense. I mean, we could just buy the _figs_ but there isn't enough time to make the _jam_...."

"This One will acquire the fig-jam. Consider it a 'gift' to your leader. Is that not why your dwelling is covered in electrical lights and fake evergreen?" D'vorah turns to leave, her pace quickening. "This One must begin immediately! Do not reveal this to Kano."

"Uhh, yeah. Sure thing, secret's safe with us!" Kira gives a half-wave and a huge fake smile she maintains until Mama Roach is gone. Once in the clear, she braces her hands on the bar and laughs, first silently, but rapidly grows in cackling volume.

Kabal, recovered after a few hits from his respirator, chuckles and shakes his head. "I can't believe you pulled that off. The boss is going to flay you alive." He's grinning widely though, he is absolutely going to the Christmas party for sure now.

"The boss is going to kiss my boots when his girlfriend shows up."

"Don't put that image in my head."

"The boot kissing or the bug fu-"

"NO." Rumors were flying over the last several months since the Black Dragon pulled out of Outworld, somehow with D'vorah in tow. Kano had developed an odd rapport with the skin-crawling horror show, for what purpose no one was quite certain. Kira had her own theories about exactly what Kano and D'vorah were up to, but instead of perpetuating the gossip further she would let them do the work for her.

*~* <<"*,,*">> *~*

Christmas Eve parties at Black Dragon HQ were like any Black Dragon party: loud, lewd, and liquored up. The primary difference were the addition of incredibly strong home-made eggnog, shoddily outdated yet earnest decor, and a ridiculous amount of food brought and shared by members coming and going as the night carried on. The rowdy activity in the bar dwindles in a wave that begins near the doorway and spreads to the back table where Kano is currently holding court, 'naughty' Santa hat and all, two buxom 'elves' cozied up to him on each knee. When he realizes he's lost the tables' attention he stops mid-punchline and follows their stares, a raunchy joke dying on his slightly-parted lips.

Approaching his table with a wicked grin is D'vorah. She's wearing one of her hooded dresses, but it's shot through with multicolored fairy lights. As she draws closer it becomes apparent the lights are tiny fireflies clutching tight to the fabric; her hood is lined in them, the shifting colors brightening her sharp face in a vivid, eerie manner, creating a ring of false pupils in her inky eyes. Her whole focus is on Kano alone, but her presence is enough to send the frightened 'elves' tumbling off Kano's lap and right out of the booth to hide behind a sympathetic Kabal. Kano doesn't even seem to notice and takes the opportunity to stretch out and put his boots up on the table in a display of casual ownership. 

"Now who do we have here asking for Christmas wishes? Has Ladybug been a good girl?"

"This One is a mature member of our species." D'vorah slides into the vacated space in a smooth motion, sitting primly a millimeter from Kano.

"Well now, maybe Santa could make an exception for a bad lady. Who invited you, anyway?"

"Your red-headed solider." Kano shoots a look at Kira who is attempting to surreptitiously lean against the end of the nearby bar, sipping something aggressively green.

"What? She's here for everything else."

"No she ain't!"

"Oh bullshit, Kano. She's building a honeycomb in the attic!"

"Wha-? When did I say you could move into the attic?" Kano has the thinnest thread of anxiety beneath his annoyance, something Kira can pick up on after working around the lout for years.

D'vorah is not paying attention, instead starring wide-eyed at a large cake topped in fruit in the middle of the table. She pulls the entire plate towards her to scoop a handful of dessert into her maw, kiwi and strawberry dropping off along with bits of the crisp outer meringue, cream smearing down her chin. Kano hasn't moved, but his expression shifts into one of amusement; his gaze follows how the back of D'vorah's hand swipes over her face in an attempt to wipe off the cream, only to smear more across her cheek. A fuzzy insect nymph crawls from under her hood and eagerly begins to feed on the smear, quickly joined by a half-dozen others. Kira abruptly gets up, knocking a stool over and putting a hand over her mouth as she rushes toward the bathrooms. Erron blinks a couple times and leans so far back in his chair the front legs leave the floor. Kabal fumbles for his phone because hell if he'll ever let Kano live this down. Kano meanwhile leans toward her, sipping at his rotgut as D'vorah chews what must be an especially delicious piece of the cake's center, but when he gets close she quickly pulls the plate to her chest, snarling at him, juice from the strawberries running down her neck.

"Easy, luv. Like that stuff, eh?"

"This One has never tasted such a delight! Usually a rotten fruit would be preferred. Or an eyeball. but-" D'vorah scoops up another handful, claws caked in the sticky dessert, "where does This One acquire more?" She licks up a long drip of juice from her wrist to her fingers.

"Santa Kano may be able to arrange that. But you know, usually a guest brings the host a gift-"

"This one has such a gift!" D'vorah reaches into the folds of her dress and from her abdominal pouch holds up a faceted crystal jar sealed tight with a decorative metal top. Within is a rich, thick brown substance.

“Fig-jam.” She grins widely, her maw of black teeth reflecting the fireflies clinging to her dress and lights festooned around the room. “Collected with great peril from trees growing at the edge of Arnyek's cliffside coasts. This One pollenated the tree _and_ harvested the nectar personally.”

Kira reenters the room just in time to see D'vorah holding the jar up in front of a stunned Kano's face. Most of the room has also turned their attention to the scene, collectively holding their breath because their boss in a Santa hat looks like his mind has temporarily shut down while the gross bug lady (who he may or may not be dating) stares menacingly six inches from his face.

Kano begins to laugh. He laughs loud and long, nearly spilling his topped-off glass, relaxing back into the booth with a hand on his stomach. Many of the more sycophantic lackeys pick up on the laughter, others laughing because they're too drunk to know if what's going on is funny or not. D'vorah, however, is not amused. Her understanding of human behavior and response is far greater than most realize, and while she doesn't understand exactly _what_ is so amusing, she does know the amusement is at _her_ expense.

"If Kano finds This One's humble attempt to take part in your frivolous _human_ celebration worthy of ridicule, perhaps This One would be better off spending your holiday in Arnyek!"

D'vorah slams the jar on the table hard enough to cause a crack in the jar's side and rises in a single motion, turning on her clawed heel to leave, the now-silent crowd parting rapidly for her.

"Hey! Hey now, no-one's laughing _at_ you." Kano actually deigns to get up to follow her; Kira glances meaningfully at Kabal, who mouths 'are you shitting me?' while passing Erron a hundred dollar bill.

"Then what are your workers laughing at?" D'vorah stops at the doorway, though refusing to look back at him.

"The uh...." Kano rubs his chin and shakes his head, in part to keep himself from laughing again because he's stopped a step away from D'vorah, aka spitting venom range, "the figjam. Who put you up to that?"

"Your red-headed solider...." D'vorah slowly turns to stare hard at Kira, who is sporting an almost angelic grin because she sees the perfect way out of this, even if it means being on Kano's shit list for a while, but this is too good a chance to pass up.

"Hey boss-" Kira points just above his head. Hanging over the doorway is a mistletoe sprig.

Kano decides to call her bluff and pulls D'vorah against him, but unlike most of his attempts that end in him getting stung a half-dozen times D'vorah instead wraps her many limbs around him like a spider clutching a fresh catch. She cups his chin with one hand and runs the other through his hair, pulling him to her for a horrifying, stomach-turning kiss, a vivid green line of venom drooling from the corner of his mouth while the little fireflies flicker all over her dress. Screams of uncomfortable laughter and terrified disgust fill the bar, several people recording this momentous holiday curse on their phones, now seared into the precious Christmas memories of everyone in the room.

D'vorah pulls away to leave, her wings pulsing slightly. She turns her head around disturbingly far to stare over her shoulder at Kano, who is laying prone against the doorjamb, and as she crosses the threshold purposely scrapes her clawed heels and lower ovipositors on the tile, leaving marks that years from now would still catch bloody dirt and frustrate the hell out of whatever lackey had to do the quarterly mopping.

"Boss?" Kira realizes Kano's gone stiff and his face is quickly getting puffy. He's mostly paralyzed yet murmurs something. It takes Kira a moment but she figures it out: he's doubling her holiday bonus.

**Author's Note:**

> \- For those of you that still don't know, "figjam" is Australian slang for "fuck I'm good, just ask me." And the name of one of Kano's nicer kostumes imo. I consider that sentiment a huge component of his character. Speaking of which,
> 
> \- Kano is wearing a shirt that says "Sit on Santa's Lap and we can talk about the First Thing that Pops Up." Because he's a terrible man. Also: a real shirt in real life you can buy.
> 
> \- The cake featured is Pavlova, named for the Russian ballerina who famously enjoyed it. The dessert features in Australian Christmas celebrations thus why I chose it.
> 
> \- I'm unsure how well-known this urban legend is, but back in my pre-internet day a lot of kids wouldn't eat Fig Newtons/fig cakes/fig rolls because supposedly hornets laid eggs in figs, and the odd crunchy bit you'd get in one meant you were eating BUG EGGS and WASP PARTS! EEEEWWWW!!!  
> The truth is there IS a fig wasp that lay eggs in figs, and in some cases is the only pollinator of the fig tree (and in a pretty complex fashion), but any crunch you get in a fig cake are from seeds. Honest! 
> 
> \- I have no idea what Kira's character is like beyond her wiki's description of being a rational anarchist, but when I needed someone to facilitate a Christmas prank gone kourtship (kolorized) she's the first who came to mind.


End file.
